Health

How to break up with someone even if they think you’re the one


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February 25, 2024

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People say it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, but that’s just the truth Not how it feels When you’re trying to figure out how to leave a relationship with as little stress on yourself and your partner as possible. I always compare it to vomiting: thinking about a breakup is nauseating, and breakup conversations feel like vomiting. Meanwhile, the aftermath of a breakup—when you’re shaken, exhausted, and maybe a little relieved—can be like recovering from an illness. It’s just all around unpleasant (yet!) and sometimes a necessary and almost universal part of life.

How to know if it’s time to break up

sometimes you Somehow just know Which decision you make and then sometimes you can’t decipher how you feel. Either way, breakups are notoriously hard to do.

“Breaking up with a romantic partner can be emotionally traumatic,” says a licensed marriage and family therapist Annalyse Lucero, MS, LMFT, LSAA.”Your lives are intertwined in so many ways.”

Whether it’s a short-term or long-term relationship, we tend to think a lot about a breakup, say licensed therapists Maria Sosa, MS, MFT.After all, no one wants to be seen as the “bad guy.”

If you’re considering a breakup, therapists recommend looking for the following signs. Don’t forget that simply wanting to break up with someone is reason enough to do so.

1. Trust is gone

Once trust is broken in a relationship, it can be difficult (but not impossible) to repair your relationship. It often takes commitment from both parties to rebuild trust.

betray Trust can be eroded by a lack of care and empathy for one’s own emotions, or by crossing relationship boundaries. ” Lucero said. “If you’re trying to build trust and you’re not succeeding, that’s a big sign that it’s time to move on.”

2. You are no longer interested in creating happy moments together

Relationships thrive when both parties commit to creating happy moments together, whether that means going out for a date night, listening to each other talk about their days, traveling together, or express love to each other.

“Happiness is an experience you create, and if you find that you lack interest in creating opportunities to experience happiness with your partner, that’s a sign that the relationship needs repair,” Lucero says.

3. You have been thinking about breaking up for a long time

People often stay in relationships that they no longer want to be in because they are afraid of hurting their partner’s feelings, which can hurt everyone involved.

“We’re kind of prolonging the inevitable,” Sosa said. “It takes a lot of courage to break through that.”

4. You just want to break up

Lucero says it’s okay to want to break up with someone, even if they didn’t really do anything wrong.

The biggest reason to break up with someone is simply because you want to. If you feel like you’re unhappy and want to move on or see what else is out there, that’s okay! ” Lucero said. “We can normalize the ending of some relationships for no big reason.”

Tips for breaking up with someone (even if you still love them or they think you’re the one)

1. Make short-term plans before breaking up

Whether you live with your partner or not, you may need to sort out your lives as soon as possible after a breakup.

Lucero recommends doing some work before a breakup to make sure your current needs are met. This means figuring out your living arrangements, finances and anything else related to your partner that will require you to live apart for the short term – term.

2. Use “I” statements

There are two sides to every relationship, and it’s likely that both parties contributed to the need to break up.

You’ll want to take responsibility for the breakup with “I” rather than “you” statements, Sosa says. By focusing on your thoughts and feelings, you can play less of the blame game and better explain the reasons for your breakup.

For example, you could say, “I don’t think this is right for me anymore,” instead of, “You’re not a good person for me.” If you broke up for a specific reason, try saying something like, “I’m really hurt, and I Don’t know how to rebuild trust,” or “I don’t know if I want to stay in this relationship.”

“[It’s a] Similar sentiments, but expressed differently,” Sosa said. “Instead of ‘There’s something wrong with you.’ “

3. Don’t rush into conversation

It may be tempting to start and end breakup conversations as quickly as possible, but it’s best to spend as much time discussing it with your partner as possible.

Try to avoid starting the conversation during a busy day when either or both of you will want to leave quickly to do other things.

“We want to make sure that we allow that person to process it, discuss it with us to better understand it and just have a mutual conversation,” Sosa said.

4. Explain clearly

Before breaking up with someone, do your emotional homework. Understanding the motivations for the breakup will help you solidify your decision and help your partner face the facts.

Sosa said it’s understandable to want to keep the real reasons behind a breakup private to avoid potentially hurting your partner’s feelings, but It’s best to be clear and honest in your explanation.

“When you decide to end a relationship, it’s important to take actions that are consistent with your values. Think carefully about who you are and what you stand for,” Lucero said. “I think it can be uncomfortable to be honest and direct, but in the end , you’ll leave the relationship feeling proud of the choices you made.”

5. Show empathy, don’t be cruel

There is a difference between compassionately explaining the reasons for ending a relationship and being cruel.

“We don’t have to tell them all the details,” Sosa said. “It’s always really good for our mental health to have a holistic understanding of what happened and why it ended, rather than leaving us with these open-ended questions that It affects our mental health.” It feels like there’s a lack of closure. “

Lucero says if your partner is having trouble coming to terms with a breakup, encourage them to seek support from friends, family and a therapist.

6. You may need to have multiple conversations

We tend to think of breakups as a once-and-for-all conversation, but anyone who’s left a long-term relationship can tell you that breakups rarely end in one go.

The length of time you’ve been together can show how many conversations you need to have about your breakup.

If you’ve only been together a few months, you may only need to talk about breaking up once or twice. But if you’ve been together for many years, or are married, or have children, it’s time to sort out your relationship. Live and unravel your breakdown over a longer period of time.

“It does seem like there needs to be more dialogue, more clarity, more understanding, more logistics if you living together,Sosa said. “It’s not just, ‘These are my feelings.’ It’s, ‘What do we do? How do we distribute things?’ So it’s not as simple as we once talked about. Now we’ve moved on.”

Being willing to discuss things with your partner multiple times also shows that you care about them and how they are handling your breakup.

7. But the conversation can’t go on forever.

On the other hand, communicating too much after a breakup.

“A conversation that lasted for weeks made it really difficult to end the relationship,” Sosa said.

Too much talking may cause you to overthink or agonize over the breakup, she says.

At some point you have to explain that there is nothing left to say and you both need to find a way to say it start moving on.

How to cope after a breakup

No matter how the breakup goes, you need to take care of your mental and emotional healthLucero says losing your partner—the person you may have spent most of your time with before your breakup—can cause intense feelings of grief.

You may feel a confusing mixture of emotions, including sadness, shame, guilt, resentment, relief, freedom, hope, and even numbness.Give yourself compassion and time Troubleshootingand then you will be healed.

“Allow yourself to feel what’s happening and create new habits that bring about experiences of peace, calm and healing. Surround yourself with people who love you,” Lucero says.

The old question: Can I be friends with my ex?

You probably already know the answer: it depends.

Lucero said that for some people, staying friends with their ex comes naturally, while others can’t stand seeing their ex.

When deciding whether to stay with your ex, pay close attention to how you feel. You may want to work through the breakup with a therapist to better understand yourself and your emotions.

“You may miss aspects of the relationship and feel you can only find them with that person. These may also be distorted thoughts that need to be challenged,” Lucero says. “Therapists are trained to help you through this process. , without projecting your own thoughts.” Bias. “

There are no rules for a “perfect” breakup. Maybe you decided to stay friends with your ex but changed your mind at some point – that’s up to you. Likewise, if your ex wants to cut off contact, make sure you respect their decision after the breakup.

“You can try it out and find out what works best for you,” Sosa said.

takeout

There is no easy way out of a relationship.From thinking, to executing, to dealing with the breakup, each stage is often quite difficult. But the bright side is that breakups are an almost universal experience, so there’s a wisdom of wisdom There is help there to help you deal with the aftermath. Breaking up is hard to do, but sometimes life calls for doing hard things.



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