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Happy Thursday everyone. So sometimes the universe reminds you that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Like Jesse Watters getting 8pm after being diagnosed with a micropenis.
Emily Compagno: Do we say that?
Yes. Here’s another example.Popular comedian sean gillisif you’ve never heard of them, here’s a taste.
Sean Gillis: The night the United States killed the leader of ISIS, Trump came out of the Situation Room at midnight…and he went out in front of the world at midnight and said: Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is dead. He died like a dog… in front of the whole world, Abu. We could hear him crying and I said, Abu, isn’t it? Let me tell you something. Abu cried, he cried a lot. I won’t cry. Cry baby Baghdadi. We all call him that.
He’s funny, and he’s a better fit for Trump than Alec Baldwin. Furthermore, he had not shot anyone. But what’s special about Gillis is that he defeated cancel culture. In 2019, he was hired to join the cast of saturday night live, but was fired before he even appeared on the show after people dug up old clips of him making fun of Asians. Now, if you’ve watched Saturday Night Live in the last few years, you might even say he’s lucky. You know, he’s like the guy who caused a commotion at the gate, so he wasn’t allowed on the plane, and then the plane crashed. “Saturday Night Live” is like that crashed plane, only not as funny.
Thanks. I got a round of applause from a patient, but not surprisingly, they dismissed him before he even stepped on stage. He’s too dangerous for elitist snobs who think anything about Trump or the Republican Party is an automatic punchline. He also didn’t check any of the boxes they liked, and what he did, whether white or male, was like a French kiss from your grandmother. The last thing they want to do. But the truth is they needed him more than he needed them, because he’s been a huge success ever since. Enter Bud Light, you remember them right? Last year, they briefly partnered with transgender influencer Dylan Mulvaney, which alienated their customer base and led to a multi-billion dollar boycott. Thank God we never reported this.
Greg Gutfield April 13: It started on April 1, after Mulvaney (aka Pee Wee she/him)… Anheuser-Busch lost $5 billion on the B of B cups.
Greg Gutfield April 17: Sales were falling faster than Hunter Biden’s pants in a porn theater… Mulvaney influenced Bard’s customers to buy St. Pauli girls instead so they didn’t have to wonder what was under their skirts.
Greg Gutfield May 17: After all, we prefer our beer nuts in a bowl.
Greg Gutfield June 30: This was the first time Dylan had complained about the scandal, and it was further proof that he was no woman.
Greg Gutfield April 13: What do you think of Adam’s apples?
So, because of the despair in which they wake up, Anheuser-Busch shares fall Faster than Chris Christie in a hot air balloon. So did they learn their lesson? It seems so, because guess who Bud Light is now working with, Sean Gillis. Yes, public shaming seems to be working, as Bud Wright cut ties with Mulvaney faster than Meghan Markle cut off Prince Harry’s testicles. On the spectrum of average men, Dennis Gillis is the furthest thing from Mulvaney without a beer belly transplant. So Bud announced on Instagram: Welcome to the team @ShaneMGillis, excited to be a part of This Is Your 2024 Tour. You have to admit, that’s a lot better than the 2023 Bud the King of Beers slogan for penis-owning queens. So why now? Well, maybe they switched to Joe Rogan.
Joe Rogan May 2023: I think you should be the new spokesperson and you can turn this around.
Sean Gillis May 2023: They better give me some money quick or I’m going to start drinking Coors Light.
Who knew it was so easy? I should try it. Hey, Preparation H, you better give me some money or I’m gonna trade in Tucks. Don’t you know Tucks?
Tyrus: no I do not.
Then you haven’t lived.
Tyrus: I haven’t lived there.
So now Anheuser-Busch apparently wants to move on and start selling beer again. They learned two key rules of marketing: Don’t insult your core customers when choosing speakers, beer-drinking bros want girls in bikinis, not ask for girls to arrive around.
Emily Compagno: OMG.
What better ratio for Gillis than someone who looks like he actually uses the product regularly? This is how companies laugh all the way to the bank instead of the unemployment line. Mulvaney acted like he’d never seen beer before the commercial, but Gillis looked like he was spooning a 30-pack every night. it is necessary. Find an endorser who looks like he or she is using the product or even looks like the product. If I were Mattel, I would hire this woman to sell He-Man dolls.
Tyrus: One of my favorite toys as a child.
sorry. Alyssa Heinerscheid Remember, it was the same executive who appointed Mulvaney [and] There was a complaint that Bud had used too much bro humor in the past. Guess who handed me my quarter pounder from the drive-thru window yesterday? Alyssa Heinerscheid. I joke that McDonald’s is for bros too. But you know who loves bro humor? Beer drinker. Beer drinker. your customers. You’re not selling to trans influencers. There is only one, and you use them in your ad. So, Bud is doing the right thing, good for them. Maybe our leaders will learn the same lesson. If you insult the people who created you, they can also destroy you. At least now they have a neutral emphasis on a man who makes us laugh on purpose rather than because he looks like Audrey Hepburn. If anything, this opens the door for other struggling brands to do the same thing. Because, you know, maybe men are the answer. Maybe Disney should hire Larry the Cable Guy, and gosh, Ben and Jerry should hire Taylor. He can have his own style, Kick-Ass crunch.
Tyrus: I might give it a try.
Yes, there’s also Victoria’s Secret. You know, maybe it’s time.
Emily Compagno: OMG.
I will get back in shape. Bad Light rediscovered its core values, and “Saturday Night Live” limped along like a solar-powered Prius. First Bader got the UFC, then Peyton Manning and now Gillis. If they had any brothers, they’d sponsor fart lighting contests.